Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize
