life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
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