is your mom at the bar?
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
Randomize
