When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
Randomize
