What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
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