you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
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