I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
I see a marketing opportunity
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize