Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
