I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Evryone should know as good ramen noodle cooked in beer sounds... its not
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
No more Irish car bombs ever.
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize
