Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
mondays should just be called national damage control day
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
