I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
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