my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
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