all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
