We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
okay I'm thinking he doens't have a facebook...I'm on page 28 of Hunters
ok you need to stop NOW
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
Randomize
