if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Best friends brother. Beat that.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
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