look no pants
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
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