we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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