Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
