Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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