I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
I can't wait. Forget the royal wedding. This is the most anticipated hookup of 2011.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
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