Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
Randomize
