I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
Randomize
