Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
Randomize
