We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
