Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
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