my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
Ummm Im the uneducated alcoholic of the group... if I say its a bad idea, its probably a bad idea.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
