I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Randomize
