Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
Randomize
