dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
