im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
I just typed my entire senior project presentation on my blackberry,
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
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