3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
Randomize
