you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol