Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
I'm at about main and main street
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
Randomize
