a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?