i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
so much tequila, so little girl.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
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