You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
25 Facts Men Don’t Know About Women Until They Live Together
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
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I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights