new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
I skipped work to stalk him.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
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