I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
just got double teamed by two guys I will be on beach patrol with this summer. six months until the season starts and I'm already 'that girl.'
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Randomize
