U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
Randomize
