just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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