I can feel you judging me through the phone.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
Finally buying a camera. Missed out on recording a 3way last night. Hindsight. Ugh.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
Randomize
