I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
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i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
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On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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