When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
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redhead is getting on the bull...again red head is getting on the bull!
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
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