my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
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