I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
He's a collector of sorts
Any cool stuff?
You should see the collection of booggers in the carpet next to his desk
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
Randomize
