taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
