You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
Randomize
