weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
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