Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
Is it sad that I'm on the stopduiaz.com website and there is a cute boy but it will never work between us because hes in jail for 17.5 years?
Um.. is it mean if I say yes?
How would my first penpal letter even go? "Hey saw you on stopduiaz.com, sucks you killed that motorcyclist. Whats your favorite thing to do on the weekend?"
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
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