It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
