I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
Omg just want to confirm: got drunk, naked in street, fucked in bathroom and puked on bart.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
