I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
