sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
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i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
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I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
I am one with the molecules
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
as a side note pls kill me
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
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