grandma shit on top of the toilet
I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
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