I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
I just was on a 20min team conference call where I didn't speak, I used a Gus Johnson soundboard online to answer questions asked to me...the highlight of 2010
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
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